By Milda Urban, Summersalt Yoga founder
The past month was supposed to be a super productive one to me – I have rested after a long busy season, I have travelled a little and NOW it was the time to do all these amazing and super important things I’ve been putting off for almost a year.
I mean, there’s nothing to be distracted about anymore – I am finally staying put, I have finally done the little pesky tasks that require sitting down at a desk for longer than 20 minutes. I have also cleaned out my closet, rearranged the home office, am done all the doctors’ appointments and am going to regular yoga classes.
I’m a loser, baby!
Amazing, I can do it now! But why can’t I? My mind is racing and keeps looking for some other little distractions subconsciously. I don’t HAVE to plan out the lunch menu for a month in advance, but I definitely should, right Martha?
It has become a misery and a little laughable one too – every night, like a stereotype from a 90s woman’s magazine I say – now I’m ready, I’m doing this BIG WORLD-AND-LIFE-CHANGING-THING tomorrow. The world says – no you’re not. I’ve tried, I swear, even with a wrenching force –nope, nothing.
Panic sets in –I’m in my 30s and I still haven’t done (or started!) this BIG WORLD-AND-LIFE-CHANGING-THING I have been thinking about for almost my whole life?
Ummm, wait, am I actually a loser? With healthy exceptions I don’t usually think of myself as one. Usually. Why why why? Munch munch munch (that’s the cinnamon buns I have baked as part of my “this can’t wait until tomorrow” routine).
Panic enhances even more. My life is amounting to nothing. I have achieved NOTHING and it is now more than apparent that I never will. I have the PERFECT conditions, what does that say if not that I am not capable of THE BIG WORLD-AND-LIFE-CHANGING-THING?
Yoga helps a little, the fact that I still have to remove my wisdom tooth and have a nerve pinched in my back doesn’t. Balance is key, am I right? (the answer is no, not in this case)
One day the spiralling mind bumps into a small inkling. Wait, are you saying I DO NOT WANT to do this BIG WORLD-AND-LIFE-CHANGING-THING I have been dreaming about forever anymore?! That’s fake news (sorry, I had to). I’m just lazy and a loser (but we’ve established that already).
But as a worm gets into an apple, this shocking thought keeps chewing into my mind. What if I really DON’T WANT this? What if my life and myself have changed so much from the time I’ve defined that BIG THING that all of that is not in alignment with who I am and where I am anymore?
What if my REAL and TRUE BIG-WORLD-AND-LIFE-CHANGING-THING is still to be determined and by hammering myself to the head in guilt (put the phone down, not yet literally) I am blocking all the possibility for it to emerge and take shape?
Maybe by holding on to something that’s NOT TRUE to me ANYMORE my hands are not open to the new thing? (not an original metaphor, but why fix what ain’t broken?!)
I’ll be honest, I really don’t know what that new BIG-WORLD-AND-LIFE-CHANGING-THING will be. And it freaks me out. But maybe, just maybe, if I gave myself a break just for a moment, just for now, I can simply accept the present and be grateful for myself and the mere fact that I am capable of this soul-search and of this journey to the discovery.
Bring on the cinnamon buns, bring on the Netflix and bring on the slow, but steadfast steps that take me (and you) to where we need to be, when we need to be.